As a child your job is to be a child, not worry about the background noise, the hard things in life, or feeling the difference of being scared or safe. This is how I raise my children, they know they are safe with me, they know I will take care of them, they know there will never be a second of harm when mom is around. I chose to change the path that I was given, I chose to not be like my parents. I chose to be the best parent I can be. I chose to be different.

I was never good enough for my mom, which is why I needed to be better, a better parent, a better wife, and all in all just a better person. I was always made to feel like I wasn’t wanted, and honestly I was told by my mother that my feelings were valid and truthful. As a child it is a mother’s job to protect their children from the good, the bad, and the scary. But my mother chose to be every version of those words. Everyone always told me to remember the good times. I try, I try so hard! But when I think about all of the “good” times, I can feel the corner of my mouth raising and a smile beginning, but the quickly fades. With all of the good times, there is always something that happens where it gets turned on me and how I have ruined the day, or the experience, or just ruined everyone’s time. I was always the problem. I was always the reason. I was always the unwanted child. All I wanted in life was to make her happy and to make her proud. But after minutes…hours…days…weeks…months…years of abuse I finally realized I would never be enough for her, I would always be her punching bag, I would always be her mistake. She would never let me forget it. But every night when I cried myself to sleep I would just say to myself…I tried.